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Dan Halen

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37 At last. Street cred is mine!!


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Dan Halen
Species Strange incarnation of evil
Shape Scrotum
Location Georgia
Age Believed to have existed since the beginning of time
Hair color Red
Height Slightly taller than Early Cuyler
First appearance This Show is Called Squidbillies
Occupation Owner of Dan Halen Sheet Rock International
Role Often the antagonist

Worth

Family

Approximately 4 billion

Unnamed Mother (Mother)

Portrayed by Todd Hanson

Dan Halen is a rich, maniacal, ageless, eccentric minion-of-darkness and power/greed-obsessed resident of Dougal County. He is the owner and Chief Executive assistant of Dan Halen Sheet Rock International, and was the CEO until he hired Early Cuyler as the "corporate fall guy" to accept liability for his wrecklessness, e.g. "certain class action lawsuits which may or may not, and currently are in litigation", in perhaps the most memorable episode from the first season.

He is super intelligent; this is chiefly manifested via his formal 'English' accords, manner-of-speech, and literary eminence. In that respect, he is similar to Sideshow Bob, of The Simpsons.

Also, Dan Halen 'allegedly' runs a shadow government called Serpents of the Round, along with other schemes involving him trying to capitalize on inventions which often have horrific and pre-expected side effects on the townspeople.



Character historyEdit

10

Dan Halen dictates his Sheriff farm

Dan Halen was seen as an evil man right from the start of the series. He sold dangerous baby products and sold arms to developing countries. However, he planned all of his ideas carefully and followed his plans.  As the series progressed, however, Dan Halen would get most of his ideas from other people, rather than coming up with them himself, such as Glug, a drink that Early created that Halen decided to sell and distribute, as well as genetically engineering chickens ("Wingnut") based on an idea he got from Early. Dan Halen is most notably seen in his building, usually plotting something that involves the residents of Dougal County. He is also alleged to be as old as time and an incarnation of evil, as he is seen in many paintings and glyphs around the world in ancient times, even to personally have crucified Jesus and contributed to the rise of Nazi Germany. Although he does claim to be that old, he does not admit to the atrocities he is accused of. He also is said to run a secret shadow government which grows and harvests sheriffs and has before used his sheriff army to vote on a law that would allow his beer products to be sold on Sunday. He apparently also has been advised by demonic voices, and is known to be in possession of the Necronomicon as well as a bottle of holy water for emergencies in the event of the Rapture.


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Dan Halen has lived since the beginning of time

Personality and TraitsEdit

Dan Halen has shown little to no remorse when preforming his schemes and continuously makes the lives of every resident of Dougal County miserable. He is often portrayed as the literal incarnation of evil. He sued a family (after his products killed their baby), sent countless contractors to their deaths in the constuction of a strange demonic tower, infested the county with his flesh-melting body spray (killing almost every resident, only stopping because he thought he was giving the body spray away), was responsible for the black plague that affected Europe during the Renaissance, and is affiliated with a strange alien race that planned to take over the world for his benefit.

He is manipulative, in more than one occasion tricking the Cuyler family into thinking that he was going to help them. He would then betray them for his own interests, such as when he implanted a chip into Granny Cuyler that forced her to smoke after Early asked Dan Halen if he would be willing to pay for an operation to save her life. Although he is often portrayed as coldhearted, Dan Halen has sympathy towards people that is often overlooked. He founded a charity organization to benefit people who, like him, were born without knees (of which he is the only member, amputees need not apply since they don't have feet). He also funds the Dan Halen Acheivers Summer Camp [Citation needed] which allows high acheivers throughout Dougal County to experience firsthand the interior of an active volcano.



Dh building

Dan Halen HQ

Dan Halen IndustriesEdit

Dan Halen is the current owner of Dan Halen Sheet Rock Industries; which manufactures sheet rock material.  Besides sheet rock, which he never seems to have anything to do with; Dan Halen's company sells several products as well as having ownership of several establishments across the Squidbilles universe.  Dan Halen also ventures into several illegal and illicit activities; including but not limited to diamond mining and bioengineering supermen, corn, mythical animals and hotwings. His products include Glug, Baby Death Trap, and the "Tan Man" body stencil. He has also sold weapons to Third World countries, and has run illegal cock-fighting rings and an illicit endangered species hunting safari. Dan Halen Industries also has numerous locations and dummy corporations that include baseball stadiums, restaurants, a museum dedicated to Robert E. Lee (however he might have disposed of it, as it turned out the letters in which he based the museum were forgery) and the biggest building in all of Dougle County, the Dan Halen Headquarters. It seems that almost all of Dan Halen's products are deadly or dangerous, as several characters have died while trying samples of his body spray, as well as having developed tumors and spontaneously combusted from eating his hot wings, as well as injuries and death inflicted from such products as the Baby Death Trap. The only product that Dan Halen himself tries are his tanning tattoos, which he has one between his legs which says "Born to Pork"(however, it might have been only for promotion during his interview).

Notable QuotesEdit

  • "Those without knees kneel before no man."
  • "That's impossible, everyone knows energy comes from ancient dino blood."
  • "We'll all have a laugh about this another day, well at least some of us will."
  • "Stop! This has gone too far! We're practically giving it away."
  • "He'll what... un-darn my socks? I don't wear shoes, motherfucker!"
  • "He's executing every move exactly like everyone else like no one I've ever seen! He's on FIRE!"
  • "Snap to it bumkin, I have you 'til 6!"
  • "You think this is the only illegal thing I have to do today?!"
  • "Quickly, summon forth some bitches from Accounting for a pansexual adventure THROUGH TIME!"
  • "Time is short and so will be your very lives!"
  • "Fire up your whore swallower now!"
  • "Life begins at arousal."
  • "You'll never get away with this. Damn it, they will!"
  • "Oh, Melissa, come now. My team of five tailors sews my pants on me one thread at a time, just like everyone else."
  • "I'll have you know, this whole plant runs on clean burning styro'foam!"
  • "(laughing) I remember, I made that guy taste the chain. 'Taste the chain,' I said. Again and again. Long after he was incapable of tasting anything."
  • "So I used to be a transvestite cabaret host. Do you have a point... with this?
  • "Everyone tortured political prisoners during the Medieval Era!"
  • "This sacrifice lead to plenty of rain. The maize crop that year was wonderful."
  • "I was taking the nail out! I was trying to help the man."
  • "Well it's not like I invented fire."
  • "So I spread some of the black plague."
  • "Those Egyptians were trying to steal precious artifacts from the British Museum."
  • "Well that… that was just an accident."
  • "Mondays, right? I SAID, 'MONDAYS, RIGHT?!'"
  • "Well, I'm going to get some GobblediGoos. Does anyone have... $275,000?
  • "Hide it in the mayo!"

TriviaEdit

  • Dan Halen is one of the few characters who is not easily tricked, while the other characters are easily fooled and the several reasons are pointed out they are being fooled, Dan Halen is tricked only when plot is not given away, such as the time when Granny wrote the fake letters by Robert E. Lee, the audience is not given a clue it is a forgery until Dan Halen is told they are forged.
  • Dan Halen is one of the few, or maybe the only character Early doesn't directly disrespect
  • Dan Halen's name is based on the band Van Halen
  • Dan Halen has existed throughout known history, having been knowingly dated back to the destruction of the Dinosaurs, whose extinction he may have caused.
  • Dan Halen has died three times though out the entire series and he died by being ripped in half by a giant mutant corn monster in "Mud Days and Confused", "Class of '86" after being shot by the Sheriff who he had bullied since high school, (This is ironic due to the fact the sherriff, a character who dies in many episodes, survives both episodes Halen dies.), and in "Granite Caverns" where he gets crushed by his prized "Lester's Penis".
  • In God's Bro, Don Halen's  wheelchair bound mother is shown and she is thrown into a black hole by her son her only words were "It's dark in here" halen's mother is shown to have the same voice as him. Also she is his only family member to have appeared on screen.


Danhalenslaysdinosaur

Dan Halen slays the dinosaurs

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