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37 At last. Street cred is mine!!


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Earlan Jubal Stonewall "Early" Cuyler is the overall main protagonist/anti-protagonist of Squidbillies.

He Is The Son of Boyd and unnamed mother, The Grandson of Granny and Ga Ga. Early appears to have at least three other known family members confirmed with his sister Lil Cuyler, Dr. Bug and Durwood Cuyler. Shannon Cuyler is implied to have been dreamed up during the gay robot takeover. He is also the father of Rusty. Early is a barely-literate, foul-mouthed, alcoholic, ex-convict. He's also quick to anger and expresses it in violent ways via a shotgun or knives he carries on his person. Early was featured in Season 1 as the scapegoat CEO of Dan Halen Industries. He has since run a number of illegal home operations, including whiskey and/or moonshine bootlegging, crystal meth production, pot farming, hog ranching, and an illegal day spa. He is most often seen with his numerous sawed off 12 gauge shotgun. At the end of the series finale, he is left all alone in his shack after his son cut ties with him, Granny died, and Lil leaving him for her boyfriend.

Character[]

Early has been seen throughout the series with many different trucker hats, usually a reference to something he would enjoy, sometimes offensive or rather obscene. Early drives a very large monster Truck-Boat-Truck that is shown to sometimes have no brakes. Early enjoys drinking on the jobed robbing the local convenience store.

Early once had a sexual encounter with Krystal, an obese Caucasian woman who lives in the town's junkyard. However, in order to do so, she forces him to procure for her a Sony Walkman, which he does by robbing a local convenience store. The second time he tries, the Sheriff arrests him, leading to him spending the next 15 years of his life in prison. It turns out he had gotten Krystal pregnant with Rusty. Not wanting him, Krystal leaves Rusty by the doorway of Lil's house. Lil raises him for the next 15 years until a meth lab is discovered in her home, making Rusty a ward of the state.

After being raised by wolves, and then the chainsaw-wielding rock band Jackyl (who, "Taught you to shit on the potty"), Rusty runs away and coincidentally finds his father in a chain gang. Feeling pity for the two, the Sheriff releases Early to raise his son. Early eventually finds employment as a scapegoat for the local evil corporation, Dan Halen Sheet Rock International.

Over the course of their new life together, Early had dealt with the idiocy and given hell to the family countless times over big and small stuff. From a lack of liquor down to the fact Granny couldn't shut her 'slop-hole' about her painting of Jesus. Until Granny's untimely demise thanks to him striking her (and this time, her not saying a variance of 'ow'). Leaving him to want to rob her and make Rusty his new 'handler' (as in Early waiting on him hand and foot.). Using the grief of Granny to keep Rusty with him. When Rusty stole his truck and left, Early tried to stop him to no avail, leaving him completely alone.

(He could easily go over there himself to where Rusty was, but he didn't want to climb over a wall, deal with the flat earth and ice dragons. His words. )

Personality[]

Early is a foul-mouthed, sleazy, chaotic, dangerous, crude, very abrasive and ornery, highly volatile, and extremely ill-tempered squid who verbally and physically abuses his family and immediate friends. He has shown to be quite ignorant of common knowledge, such as the history of the Virginia battle flag that he owns. He is known for having a hoard of weapons which if properly confiscated, would consist in a massive pile.

He is also known for putting the lives of himself or others at risk in order to achieve his goals or creating schemes to get rich even if it's at expense of others, such as making a religion to get out of paying taxes but in the end, poisoning them all.

He shows great pride in his possessions, such as his Truck-Boat-Truck. He has been arrested numerous times for crimes such as assault, drug possession, and robbery at the convenience store. He is known for taking drugs and drinking alcoholic beverages. He also has a history of distributing moonshine and other illegal substances.

But despite all his flaws, he has shown a caring nature towards his family (primarily Rusty), such as wanting to get Rusty back when Rusty moved in with his brother ... or one would think, as it was made clear he solely did that as a way of getting the 'money check' from the Government. He later does not miss Rusty when the sponsorships and money from television revenue were being removed.

Quotes/Trivia[]

  • He has a variety of Trucker hats that have always been a changing part of Squidbillies. He is always seen with a hat, usually representing what he feels. Examples of his Trucker hats are:
    • "Booty Hunter"
    • "Lifeguard On Booty"
    • "Groom"
    • "Free Hat Limit 1"
    • "Nice Legs, What Time They Open?"
    • "Tell Your Titties To Stop Staring At My Eyes!"
    • "I'm Did Asbestos I Can"
    • "Too Funk To Druck"
    • "I ♡ Cock Fighting"
    • "Hold My Hat While I Have Sex With Your Wife"
    • "Rock Out With Your Jock Out Daytona Beach 1986"
    • "No Habla Jibber Jabber"
    • "Breath If You're Horny"
    • "Divorce Is Strong With This One"
    • "The Big E"
  • He has a number of memorable quotes:
    • "Wooh!"
    • "Get off my ass demon love, douse the pain!"
    • "Santa Claus is dead!"
    • "See if that sum bitch'll fax now!"
    • "We can take five if y'all need to get busy."
    • "Aw Granny, rape is illegal in these parts. Ask me how I know. Go on, ask me one time how I know... It's a long story, but a colorful one... how is it rape when they're dead? Talk about a victimless crime!"
    • "Early Cuyler, babeh! WHOO!
    • "Play that note again, the low pitchy one, you know the one! There you go, that's the one, that is pissing me off!"
    • "That's the closest damn thing to a birthday party you'll ever get!"
    • "I care not to consort with the roboty race"
    • "I'm the best there ever was!"
    • "Alright, you corny sum'bitch, the revolution starts right now!"
    • "Do not touch the trim!"
    • "I'm gonna jimmy-jack them speakers!"
    • "I'm as firm as red clay and as constant as... drinkin'. I'm constantly drinkin'."
    • "If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, den shoot that lying summa' bitchen goose and suppa' down!"
    • "Whoo! I win! I WIN! Whoo! Heall yeah!! That was a thinkin' man's victory there!"
    • "You know how much that coffin cost, woman? You goin' in the damn ground!"
    • "Allow me to explain the contamination process. Pine cones go in here, party liquors comes out here and proceed to here. Fights begin, finger prints are took, days is lost, bail is made, court dates are ignored, cycle is repeated."
    • "Readin' don't never not done nothing for not nonebody. Never not no one, didn't about no reason not never. And by God they never not ain't gonna will!"
    • "Why have the sequel when you can have the prequel? The prequel is unequel!"
    • "She got the holler heart of a bitch."
    • "Go get you some, Reverend! She's in heat!"
    • "But some other crazy sum'bitch is the one what bangulated and pregnified that white woman. Not I."
    • "She was enormous and Lord, did I love her. For 32 frenetic seconds. Ugh, ugh, ugh, the lovin' was good!"
    • "Russell, you need to respectify your Aunt Lil. She ain't some dumb, dirty-ass whore you can trash down like your mama."
    • "Nu-uh. Pick it up with ya buttcheeks!"
    • "Oh, I see. Just stalkin' for now, huh? Now don't you be textin' threats, 'cause the police can trace that. If you you got something to say to her you best carve it into a dog's fur with a boxcutter."
    • "Come on nah, thunderbuns. Whoo! The dumplin' is mine!"
  • In the episode ''The Reenactment of the Repulsion of the Siege of Cuyler Mountain'', it is revealed that his full name is Earlan Jubal Stonewall Cuyler.
  • Although, he never met Rusty until 15 years later, due to being in prison, in the episode "Trackwood Race-ist", Early is shown with a younger Rusty, who wanted to join the Woody Scouts in flashbacks from that episode even before the series started.
  • He is illiterate, most likely stemming from his lack of education.
  • He spends Rusty's welfare check on himself by buying brown party liquor.
  • He has a large collection of trucker caps with obscene captions and images. It’s unknown where he acquires them.
  • Early has a deep hatred for Auburn University, the color auburn, computers, robots, books, learning, and homosexual relationships (except for lesbian erotica).
  • Early constantly stalks women in Dougal County, including Donna (Glenn's Wife) and Tammi.
  • Every woman Early has ever stalked, slept with, hit on, flirted with, or appeared interested is white (despite T-Pain's wife being mixed race, but possibly part white and the one Hispanic woman in Early's marriage cult). This is very ironic considering that he and Granny share a strong distaste of "chalkies" (white people) as mentioned in several episodes.
  • In the episodes "Frivolacious Squidigation" and "Asbestos I Can", Early is revealed to have a second tentacle as his genitalia.
  • Early Cuyler was recast by Tracy Morgan for the thirteenth and final season.

Gallery[]


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